eGZact as … or not

Stuff and shit… from all over the web

Posts Tagged ‘Stuff and shit…’

Death to America | Positively Priceless!!!

Posted by eGZact on April 23, 2008

Read the following explanation before looking at the picture! 

Most Syrians struggle to even read Arabic, much less have a clue about English. So, how do a group of Syrian protest leaders create the most impact with their signs by having the standard “Death To Americans” (etc.) slogans printed in English?

Answer: They simply hire an English-speaking civilian to translate and write their statements into English.

Unfortunately, in this case, they were unaware that the “civilian” insurance company employee hired for the job was a retired US Army Sergeant! Obviously, pictures of this protest rally never made their way to Arab TV networks, but the results were PRICELESS! 

 

 

Death to America

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Because walking sucks

Posted by eGZact on March 10, 2008

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Japanese Pac Man

Posted by eGZact on March 10, 2008

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Devil’s Mark

Posted by eGZact on February 1, 2008

During the time of the Inquisition of the Middle Ages, it was believed that the Devil placed upon his human brides, the witches, a special mark that was insensitive to pain. Because it was supposed that such a mark might be well hidden somewhere on the witch’s body, one of the first of the many degrading and painful ordeals of the Inquisition began when the accused woman was turned over to the torturers to have her body shaved in search of the “Devil’s Mark.”

The Spanish Inquisition was ordered to rid Europe of heretics. By 1257, the Church officially sanctioned torture as a means of forcing witches, sorcerers, and shape shifters to confess their alliance with Satan.

Once the alleged spot—which could well have been a mole or a birthmark—was found, the torturers would insert long, sharp pins into the victim’s flesh or sear the mark with red-hot branding irons in order to test its resistance to pain. The fact that the suspected area gave no indication of being immune to pain did nothing to absolve the woman accused of witchcraft from later being burned at the stake.

In 1486, two devout priests, Jakob Sprenger and Heinrich Kramer, published Malleus Maleficarum (A Hammer for Witches), the book that became the handbook of the professional witch hunters. Charles Williams, writing in his Witchcraft, believes that Sprenger and Kramer proceeded with great care to examine the nature of witchcraft and to analyze the best methods of operating against its menace. They perceived the witches as making use of their unholy alliance with Satan to corrupt the generative powers of humankind. In addition, they believed that witches sought to depopulate Christendom by demanding the sacrifice of children and babies. Read the rest of this entry »

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AUM SHINRIKYO

Posted by eGZact on January 19, 2008

Undoubtedly the most violent modern cult was Aum Shinrikyo, or ‘supreme truth’, the ten thousand strong cult headquartered on the slopes of Mount Fuji, Japan, and headed by Shoko Asahara.
Determined to bring about Armageddon so that he could rule everyone, Aum Shinrikyo became a mixture of Buddhism, occultism and fascism.
Fat, bearded and partially sighted, Asahara was born poor and was a bully, building up a huge stockpile of weapons and chemicals for his war. His cult was rounded up by armed police following a series of major crimes, the most infamous being his Sarin gas attack on the Tokyo underground on 20 March 1995, killing twelve and injuring thousands.
The Japanese authorities later discovered that his cult was based on his committing sexual and physical atrocities on his own members.

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The Importance of Good Grammar

Posted by eGZact on November 1, 2007

Al is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor, who tries a few things but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.

The medicine man says, “I can cure this.” That said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.

Then he says, “This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say ‘123’ and it shall rise for as long as you wish!”

Al asks, “What happens when it’s over, and I don’t want to continue?”

The medicine man replies: “All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned — it will not work again for another year!”

Al rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise Donna. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to her says, “123.”

He suddenly becomes more aroused than any time in his life … just as the medicine man had promised.

Donna, who had been facing away, turns over and asks, “What did you say 123 for?”

And that, my friends, is why you shouldn’t end a sentence with a preposition.

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Positive thinking

Posted by eGZact on October 31, 2007

Positive thinking

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5.6 earthquake strikes California

Posted by eGZact on October 31, 2007

According to the United States Geological Survey (USGS) a magnitude 5.6 earthquake, lasting about 90 seconds, struck at 20:04:54 (PDT), with the epicenter being 5 miles north, northeast of Alum Rock California and 9 miles northeast of the center of San Jose. The actual coordinates given by USGS put it along the border of San Jose and Milpitas in the hills near neighborhoods in both cities. The quake was felt as far away as the California communities of Sacramento, Sonoma, and Los Banos. It was the most powerful quake in the San Francisco Bay Area and Silicon Valley since 1989.

At least ten aftershocks have been reported by 8:35 p.m with magnitudes ranging from 1.3 to 1.8.

Phone service, including cellular phone service, is reported to be down in some areas around the epicenter. Residents and business owners also report their homes shaking.

According to the USGS, damage could be “moderate to heavy” and Rafael Abreu of the USGS said that the earthquake is considered “moderate,” but so far there are “no injuries.” The quake was reported at a depth of 9.2 km (5.7 miles).

USGS predicts a 30% chance of strong (magnitude >5) aftershocks in the next 7 days, with a 5-10% probability of aftershocks stronger than the main quake. Additionally, USGS predicts approximately 15-40 small (magnitude 3-5) aftershocks.

The USGS reports that the quake was centered on the Calaveras Fault, and was the most powerful earthquake on that fault since the 1984 Morgan Hill earthquake.

 Did you feel it?

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Dogs really hates Holloween

Posted by eGZact on October 31, 2007

I hate Holloween

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How to get Vista for free?

Posted by eGZact on October 30, 2007

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Hands up, mother fuckers!

Posted by eGZact on October 30, 2007

Hands up mother fuckers!

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Pepsi XXX

Posted by eGZact on October 30, 2007

Pepsi XXX

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Body signs

Posted by eGZact on October 30, 2007

A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building needs a handsaw, and spots another man on the 1st floor. He yells down to him, but the noise makes it impossible to hear anything, so he tries sign language. He points at his eye meaning “I”, points at his knee meaning, “need”, and moves his hand back and forth in a handsaw motion.

The man on the 1st floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, and starts masturbating.

The man on the 3rd floor gets so angry he runs down to the 1st floor and shouts: “What the fuck is wrong with you, idiot? I said I needed a handsaw!”

The other guy says: “I knew that, I was just trying to tell you I’m coming”

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Girl vs. Boy Diary

Posted by eGZact on October 30, 2007

Girl’s diary

Saw John in the evening and he was acting really strangely I went shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so I thought it might be that.

The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat. All through dinner he just didn’t seem himself; he hardly laughed, and didn’t seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying. I just knew that something was wrong.

He dropped me back home. I wondered if he was going to come in; he hesitated, but followed. I asked him again if there was something the matter but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.

After about 10 minutes of silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed. I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh, and a sad sort of smile. He didn’t follow me up, but later he did, and I was surprised when we made love. He still seemed distant and a bit cold, and I started to think that he was going to leave me, and that he had found someone else.

I cried myself to sleep….

 

Boy’s diary

 

Wallabies lost to New Zealand.

Had sex though.

 

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Tip of the day

Posted by eGZact on October 30, 2007

Bad sex is better than a good day at work .

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What’s the difference between erotic and kinky?

Posted by eGZact on October 29, 2007

Erotic = using a feather
Kinky = using the whole chicken

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TGIF

Posted by eGZact on October 29, 2007

A businessman got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by reciting the letters, “T-G-I-F.”

He smiled at her and replied, “S-H-I-T.” She looked at him, puzzled, and said “T-G-I-F” again.

He acknowledged her remark again by answering, “S-H-I-T.”

The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said, as sweetly as possible, “T-G-I-F” another time.

The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, “S-H-I-T.”

The blonde finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, “T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It’s Friday, get it?”

The man answered, “S-H-I-T: Sorry Honey, It’s Thursday.”

 

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Voodoo Dick

Posted by eGZact on October 29, 2007

There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he’d try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation, to the old man.

“Well, I don’t really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don’t know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except …” said the old man, and then he stopped.

“Except what?” asked the businessman.

“Nothing, nothing,” said the old man.

“C’mon, tell me! I need something!” protested the businessman.

“Well, sir, I don’t usually mention this, but there is the ‘voodoo dick,'” the old man said.

“So what’s up with this voodoo dick?” the businessman asked. Read the rest of this entry »

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Sex in the dark

Posted by eGZact on October 29, 2007

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest.

After 15 minutes of this, the man finally gets up and says, “Damn, I wish I had a flashlight.”

The woman says, “So do I. You’ve been eating grass for the past ten minutes!”

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A matter of choice

Posted by eGZact on October 29, 2007

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London.  After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.  He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.”

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “Me too, I didn’t know that we had a choice.”

 

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Pussy willow

Posted by eGZact on October 29, 2007

An old man was sitting on his rocking chair when little Billy walked by carrying a roll of chicken wire. The old man asked, “Where are you going, Billy?” Little Billy replied, “To catch some chickens!” The old man told him you can’t catch chickens with chicken wire, but a little while later Billy returned with some chickens.

The next day, the old man saw Billy walk by again, this time with some duct tape. The old man asked, “Where are you going, Billy?” Little Billy replied, “To catch some ducks!” The old man told him you can’t catch ducks with duct tape, but a little while later Billy returned with some ducks.

The next day, the old man saw Billy walk by again, this time with some pussy willow.

“Hold on, son, I’m coming with you!”

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The Nun Regret

Posted by eGZact on October 29, 2007

A nun walks into a bus and sits behind the driver and says, “I have just one regret before I die,”

The bus driver asks “What might that be?”, she says “I have never had sex, but I can’t have sex with a married man or that would be a sin.”

The bus driver says, “I’m not married”

The nun says, “I have to die a virgin so I will have to take it in my ass”.

Being the only two in the bus they went to the back and took care of business.

When they were done the bus driver says to the nun, “I have a confession to make, I am married.”

The nun says “I also have a confession to make, My name is Tom and I’m going to a costume party!”

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Good Girls vs. Bad Girls

Posted by eGZact on October 28, 2007

Good girls loosen a few buttons when it’s hot. Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.

Good girls only own one credit card and rarely use it. Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it.

Good girls wax their floors. Bad girls wax their bikini lines.

Good girls blush during love scenes in a movie. Bad girls know they could do it better.

Good girls think they’re not fully dressed without a strand of pearls. Bad girls think they’re fully dressed with just a strand of pearls.

Good girls wear high heels to work. Bad girls wear high heels to bed.

Good girls say, “Don’t… Stop…” Bad girls say, “Don’t Stop…”

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The creation of a Pussy

Posted by eGZact on October 28, 2007

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
created a pussy to their design.
First was a butcher,
with smart wit,
using a knife,
he gave it a slit,
Second was a carpenter,
strong and bold,
with a hammer and chisel,
he gave it a hole,
Third was a tailor,
tall and thin,
by using red velvet,
he lined it within,
Fourth was a hunter,
short and stout,
with a piece of fox fur,
he lined it without,
Fifth was a fisherman,
nasty as hell,
threw in a fish and gave it a smell,
Sixth was a preacher,
whose name was McGee,
he touched it and blessed it,
and said it could pee,
Last was a sailor,
dirty little runt,
he sucked it and fucked it,
and called it a cunt.

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Huuuge Pussy

Posted by eGZact on October 27, 2007

A huuuge pussy…

Read the rest of this entry »

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Close-to-complete Ideology and Religion Shit List

Posted by eGZact on October 26, 2007

  • Taoism: Shit happens.
  • Confucianism: Confucius say, “Shit happens.”
  • Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn’t really shit.
  • Zen Buddhism: Shit is, and is not.
  • Zen Buddhism #2: What is the sound of shit happening?
  • Hinduism: This shit has happened before.
  • Islam: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
  • Islam #2: If shit happens, kill the person responsible.
  • Islam #3: If shit happens, blame Israel.
  • Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserve it.
  • Protestantism: Let shit happen to someone else.
  • Presbyterian: This shit was bound to happen.
  • Episcopalian: It’s not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve the right wine with it.
  • Methodist: It’s not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve grape juice with it. Read the rest of this entry »

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Beer vs. Pussy

Posted by eGZact on October 26, 2007

Pussy vs. Beer

A beer is always wet. A pussy needs encouragement.
— Advantage: Beer

A beer tastes horrible served hot. A pussy tastes better served hot.
— Advantage: Pussy

Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied. Having an ice cold pussy makes you Hillary Clinton.
— Advantage: Beer

Beers have commercials making fun of skunky ones. Pussy does not.
— Advantage: Draw

If you get a hair in your teeth consuming pussy, you are not disgusted.
— Advantage: Pussy

24 beers come in a box. A pussy is a box you can come in.
— Advantage: Pussy

Too much head makes you mad at the person giving you a beer.
— Advantage: Pussy

If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is still edible.
— Advantage: Beer

If you come home smelling like beer, Read the rest of this entry »

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Handy woman, blonde joke

Posted by eGZact on October 25, 2007

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a “handy woman” and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
“Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch (veranda)”, he said. “How much will you charge me?”
The blonde quickly responded: “How about $50?”
The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.
The man’s wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband: “Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?”

He responded: “Thats a bit cynical, isn’t it?”
The wife replied: “You’re right. I guess I’m starting to believe all those ‘dumb blonde’ jokes we’ve been getting by e-mail lately.”

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
“You’re finished already?” the husband asked.
“Yes”, the blonde replied, “and I had paint leftover, so I gave it two coats”.
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her……

“And by the way”, the blonde added, “it’s not a Porch, it’s a Lexus”.

 

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South African Tourism Website – Damn Good Answers

Posted by eGZact on October 11, 2007

These questions about South Africa were posted on a South African Tourism Website and were answered by the website owner.

Q: Does it ever get windy in South Africa? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see elephants in the street? (USA)

A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.

Read the rest of this entry »

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Fucking weird name

Posted by eGZact on October 10, 2007

Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateapokaiwhenuakitanatahu is the Maori name for an otherwise unremarkable hill, 305 meters high, close to Porangahu south of Waipukurau in southern Hawke’s Bay, New Zealand. The name is often shortened to Taumata by the locals for ease of conversation.

The name on the sign that marks this hill is ‘Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturipukakapikimaungahoronukupokaiwhenuakitan atahu’, which translates roughly as The summit where Tamatea, the man with the big knees, the climber of mountains, the land-swallower who travelled about, played his flute to his loved one. At 85 letters, it is one of the longest place names in the world. Another even longer form has 92 letters, and has been entered into the Guinness Book of Records as such. It is apparently more recent, or perhaps more formal. There are claims that the second version of the name, which is now shown on the sign, has been in use all along by local Maori. The Welsh argue that this version has been contrived to be longer than Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, which some others argue was contrived to be the longest British place name in the first place.

Wikipedia

 

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Brown or Pink?

Posted by eGZact on October 10, 2007

Brown or pink… STOP and THINK!

brown-or-pink.png

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They’ve found Popeye’s Mom

Posted by eGZact on October 10, 2007

Yeap, they finally found her.

Isn’t she gorgeous?

Read the rest of this entry »

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Carmen

Posted by eGZact on October 10, 2007

My name is Carmen,” she told him.
“That’s a beautiful name, he said. “Did your mother give it to you?”
“No,” she replied. “I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most in my life – cars and men.”

They continued to talk and finally she asked “What’s your name?”

“Beerfuck,” he replied.

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Labia minora

Posted by eGZact on October 10, 2007

The labia minora (singular: labium minus) are two small longitudinal cutaneous folds, situated between the labia majora, and extending from the clitoris obliquely downward, lateralward, and backward for about 4 cm on either side of the vulval vestibule, between which and the labia majora they end; in the virgin the posterior ends of the labia minora are usually joined across the middle line by a fold of skin, named the frenulum labiorum pudendi or fourchette.

Anteriorly, each labium minus (nympha) divides into two portions: the upper division passes above the clitoris to meet its fellow of the opposite side, although not necessarily its equal in size, forming a fold which overhangs the glans clitoridis, and is named the preputium clitoridis; the lower division passes beneath the glans clitoridis and becomes united to its under surface, forming, with its fellow of the opposite side, although not necessarily its equal in size, the frenulum clitoridis.On the opposed surfaces of the labia minora are numerous sebaceous follicles.

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia.

For a more detailed information, check this sexy labia

 

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Hanzi Smatter

Posted by eGZact on September 1, 2007

A site dedicated to the misuse of Chinese characters in western culture: http://hanzismatter.com/

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