eGZact as … or not

Stuff and shit… from all over the web

Posts Tagged ‘jokes’

The sister

Posted by eGZact on May 27, 2008

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her ‘little’ sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.  Well, I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word. She said, ‘I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and

get me.’ I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.  Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, ‘We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter . Welcome to the family.’

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

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Jewish Divorce

Posted by eGZact on April 25, 2008

 

A Jewish woman says to her mother: ” I’m divorcing Sheldon, all he wants is anal sex and my asshole is now the size of a 50 cent piece when it used to be the size of a 5 cent piece.”

Jewish Mother says: “You are married to a multi-millionaire businessman, you live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get $2000 a week allowance, you take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that away for 45 cents?

 

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Larry’s tattoo

Posted by eGZact on April 24, 2008

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, “Where in the hell have you been?”
Larry replies, “I was out getting a tattoo.”

“A tattoo?” she frowned. “What kind of tattoo did you get?”
“I got a hundred Euro note on my privates,” he said proudly.
“What the hell were you thinking?” she said, shaking her head in disdain. “Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred Euro note tattooed on his privates?”
“Well, for one…I like to watch my money grow. Two…once in a while I like to play with my money. Three…I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly…instead of you going out wasting money on shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow 100 Euro anytime you want.”

Larry is recovering nicely in hospital

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How to get Vista for free?

Posted by eGZact on October 30, 2007

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Hands up, mother fuckers!

Posted by eGZact on October 30, 2007

Hands up mother fuckers!

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Pepsi XXX

Posted by eGZact on October 30, 2007

Pepsi XXX

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Body signs

Posted by eGZact on October 30, 2007

A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building needs a handsaw, and spots another man on the 1st floor. He yells down to him, but the noise makes it impossible to hear anything, so he tries sign language. He points at his eye meaning “I”, points at his knee meaning, “need”, and moves his hand back and forth in a handsaw motion.

The man on the 1st floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, and starts masturbating.

The man on the 3rd floor gets so angry he runs down to the 1st floor and shouts: “What the fuck is wrong with you, idiot? I said I needed a handsaw!”

The other guy says: “I knew that, I was just trying to tell you I’m coming”

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Girl vs. Boy Diary

Posted by eGZact on October 30, 2007

Girl’s diary

Saw John in the evening and he was acting really strangely I went shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so I thought it might be that.

The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat. All through dinner he just didn’t seem himself; he hardly laughed, and didn’t seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying. I just knew that something was wrong.

He dropped me back home. I wondered if he was going to come in; he hesitated, but followed. I asked him again if there was something the matter but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.

After about 10 minutes of silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed. I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh, and a sad sort of smile. He didn’t follow me up, but later he did, and I was surprised when we made love. He still seemed distant and a bit cold, and I started to think that he was going to leave me, and that he had found someone else.

I cried myself to sleep….

 

Boy’s diary

 

Wallabies lost to New Zealand.

Had sex though.

 

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What’s the difference between erotic and kinky?

Posted by eGZact on October 29, 2007

Erotic = using a feather
Kinky = using the whole chicken

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Voodoo Dick

Posted by eGZact on October 29, 2007

There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he’d try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation, to the old man.

“Well, I don’t really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don’t know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except …” said the old man, and then he stopped.

“Except what?” asked the businessman.

“Nothing, nothing,” said the old man.

“C’mon, tell me! I need something!” protested the businessman.

“Well, sir, I don’t usually mention this, but there is the ‘voodoo dick,'” the old man said.

“So what’s up with this voodoo dick?” the businessman asked. Read the rest of this entry »

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Sex in the dark

Posted by eGZact on October 29, 2007

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest.

After 15 minutes of this, the man finally gets up and says, “Damn, I wish I had a flashlight.”

The woman says, “So do I. You’ve been eating grass for the past ten minutes!”

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A matter of choice

Posted by eGZact on October 29, 2007

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London.  After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.  He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.”

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “Me too, I didn’t know that we had a choice.”

 

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Pussy willow

Posted by eGZact on October 29, 2007

An old man was sitting on his rocking chair when little Billy walked by carrying a roll of chicken wire. The old man asked, “Where are you going, Billy?” Little Billy replied, “To catch some chickens!” The old man told him you can’t catch chickens with chicken wire, but a little while later Billy returned with some chickens.

The next day, the old man saw Billy walk by again, this time with some duct tape. The old man asked, “Where are you going, Billy?” Little Billy replied, “To catch some ducks!” The old man told him you can’t catch ducks with duct tape, but a little while later Billy returned with some ducks.

The next day, the old man saw Billy walk by again, this time with some pussy willow.

“Hold on, son, I’m coming with you!”

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The Nun Regret

Posted by eGZact on October 29, 2007

A nun walks into a bus and sits behind the driver and says, “I have just one regret before I die,”

The bus driver asks “What might that be?”, she says “I have never had sex, but I can’t have sex with a married man or that would be a sin.”

The bus driver says, “I’m not married”

The nun says, “I have to die a virgin so I will have to take it in my ass”.

Being the only two in the bus they went to the back and took care of business.

When they were done the bus driver says to the nun, “I have a confession to make, I am married.”

The nun says “I also have a confession to make, My name is Tom and I’m going to a costume party!”

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Good Girls vs. Bad Girls

Posted by eGZact on October 28, 2007

Good girls loosen a few buttons when it’s hot. Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.

Good girls only own one credit card and rarely use it. Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it.

Good girls wax their floors. Bad girls wax their bikini lines.

Good girls blush during love scenes in a movie. Bad girls know they could do it better.

Good girls think they’re not fully dressed without a strand of pearls. Bad girls think they’re fully dressed with just a strand of pearls.

Good girls wear high heels to work. Bad girls wear high heels to bed.

Good girls say, “Don’t… Stop…” Bad girls say, “Don’t Stop…”

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The creation of a Pussy

Posted by eGZact on October 28, 2007

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
created a pussy to their design.
First was a butcher,
with smart wit,
using a knife,
he gave it a slit,
Second was a carpenter,
strong and bold,
with a hammer and chisel,
he gave it a hole,
Third was a tailor,
tall and thin,
by using red velvet,
he lined it within,
Fourth was a hunter,
short and stout,
with a piece of fox fur,
he lined it without,
Fifth was a fisherman,
nasty as hell,
threw in a fish and gave it a smell,
Sixth was a preacher,
whose name was McGee,
he touched it and blessed it,
and said it could pee,
Last was a sailor,
dirty little runt,
he sucked it and fucked it,
and called it a cunt.

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How to make a woman happy

Posted by eGZact on October 27, 2007

It’s not difficult to make a woman happy.

A man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist Read the rest of this entry »

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Beer vs. Pussy

Posted by eGZact on October 26, 2007

Pussy vs. Beer

A beer is always wet. A pussy needs encouragement.
— Advantage: Beer

A beer tastes horrible served hot. A pussy tastes better served hot.
— Advantage: Pussy

Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied. Having an ice cold pussy makes you Hillary Clinton.
— Advantage: Beer

Beers have commercials making fun of skunky ones. Pussy does not.
— Advantage: Draw

If you get a hair in your teeth consuming pussy, you are not disgusted.
— Advantage: Pussy

24 beers come in a box. A pussy is a box you can come in.
— Advantage: Pussy

Too much head makes you mad at the person giving you a beer.
— Advantage: Pussy

If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is still edible.
— Advantage: Beer

If you come home smelling like beer, Read the rest of this entry »

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Carmen

Posted by eGZact on October 10, 2007

My name is Carmen,” she told him.
“That’s a beautiful name, he said. “Did your mother give it to you?”
“No,” she replied. “I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most in my life – cars and men.”

They continued to talk and finally she asked “What’s your name?”

“Beerfuck,” he replied.

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